Alright guys. I made some big promises in my last post. Promises I was too lazy to keep. But also these two moments from today made those moments look like child's play.
Without further ado...
TODAY. FORT GREENE. SMALL LOCAL PARK. CIRCA 2:30pm. I'm responsible for a small human child--an 11 month old--who is possibly the cutest baby in existence...a baby who, incidentally, just learned to wave. She waves to people, trees, statues, fences, and all large objects. I'm walking this adorable creature around the park and she spies Black Female Park Worker on Her Iphone. She, naturally, waves. BFPWOHI waves back. Adorable child giggles.
BFPWOHI (on the phone): Ooooooohhh girl I wanna have a baby.
BFPWOHI(on the phone): I know. I know. But like, you should see these babies. Oh my god this one is waving at me. She's wavin' and smilin' and my--what you call it?--
BFPWOHI (on the phone): Biological clock, right.
BFPWOHI (on the phone): Just take your IUD out.
BFPWOHI (on the phone): I wanna take mine out.
(Adorable Baby waves again.)
BFPWOHI (on the phone): She's still waving. She's waving right now.
(BFPWOHI waves back. Adorable Baby giggles.)
BFPWOHI (on the phone): That bitch has a baby? Oh my god. That is--
BFPWOHI (on the phone): No I bet she don't even know how to spell IUD.
BFPWOHI (on the phone): I. U. D...
(BFPWOHI dies laughing)
BFPWOHI (on the phone): Girl, if you can't spell it, keep yours in. Keep. It. In.
THIS EVENING. WASHINGTON HEIGHTS. 170th STREET. CIRCA 8:30pm.
Dominican Girl With Giant Gold Earrings and Tears Streaming Down Her Face is standing in the middle of the street. (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE SIDEWALK). She is screaming. Beside her stands Befuddled Early 20s Dominican Boy in Dirty White TShirt and Umbros (YES. UMBROS.) He is holding a tiny dog.
DGWGGEATSDHF: You are SHIT. You are SHIT. I shoulda never trusted you. You're SHIT.
BE20sDBIDWTAU: Come on, baby...baby...shhhhh....calm down you're scaring him. (He refers to the shaking little rat/ dog).
DGWGGEATSDHF: You think I give a shit? You think I give a shit about you or your fucking dog?!? I DON'T. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
BE20sDBIDWTAU: Baby, come on. I'm your lover! You've known me a week...you know I wouldn't play you like that. Come on you known me a whole week--
DGWGGEATSDHF: YOU AIN'T WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE I KNOW YOU AIN'T YOU'RE A SHIT.
BE20sDBIDWTAU: That week mean nothin' to you, baby? Come on? We had such good times...we talked.
DGWGGEATSDHF: YOU TALKED. I DIDN'T TALK. I DIDN'T FUCKING TALK!
(She begins to storm off down the street. He goes to stop her, then stops himself. Looks after her. Looks at the dog.)
BE20sDBIDWTAU: (to the dog): It's ok. Shhhh. She just a crazy bitch. We'll have fun on our own.