Monday, October 7, 2013

Full Circle

 A Train Express. 5pm. Sunday. Cute Gay Bear Wearing Cutoffs and Vans and Playing On His Iphone sits with Blonde Girl With Backpack and Long Dangly Necklace. They are both really fat. I can say that because I am fat too.

BGWBALDN: You want a sip?


BGWBALDN: You sure? You said you were thirsty when we were walking to the train.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Nah, not a big coke zero fan.


CGBWCAVAPOHI: Not really, I like diet coke.

BGWBALDN: Oh me too. I like diet coke too.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Then why are you drinking coke zero?

BGWBALDN: Well, it's like--they are two different drinks. I just like them differently.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Weird. I can only drink diet coke.

BGWBALDN: It's like how I like Starbucks for the morning. Like, I want that burst of bitterness.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: From the Baristas?

BGWBALDN: Ha! You...

CGBWCAVAPOHI: I know, ha..ha...


CGBWCAVAPOHI: But seriously, I like the stronger coffee in the morning. But in the afternoon... (he pauses, grins) In the afternoon...(he leans in like he's telling a secret). I get Dunkin' Donuts.



BGWBALDN:  Oh. My. God.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: I'm from New England, what can I say?

BGWBALDN: You are a coffee slut.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: I know! I know! I'm terrible.

BGWBALDN: I could never.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: They are just two different drinks, Dunkies and Starbucks. Like Diet Coke and Coke Zero. Just different. There's room for both.

BGWBALDN: Like McDonald's and Burger King?


BGWBALDN: McDonald's for the burgers, BK for the fries.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Hm. Interesting. I feel the opposite. I think the burgers at Burger King taste more real.

BGWBALDN: Oh, I do too. But the thing is, if I want a REAL burger, I'm going somewhere else. I'm not going to a fast food place. I'm at a pub, or 5 guys or Burger Joint.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Ugh. Burger Joint. So...ugh.

BGWBALDN:  You know what I mean.


BGWBALDN:  And if I want a thin patty of meat substitute sandwiched in delicious gluey bread with sauce and shit on it, I'm going to McDonald's.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Makes sense.

BGWBALDN:  But the fries at Burger King are legit. They are legit good.


BGWBALDN: Mmm. But nothing like a Big Mac.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Even though I am always wasted and waiting in line at the take out window OUTSIDE on St. Nick's next to guys with gang tattoos! I'm willing to risk it, because THAT'S how much I love a good #1.

BGWBALDN: You are terrible.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: I know. (pause) You know what else?

BGWBALDN: Nope. What else?

CGBWCAVAPOHI: I love three different Chinese restaurants.

BGWBALDN: Wow. Really? I understand two..but...three?

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Yes. When I want cheap and fast I go to Jade Garden--

BGWBALDN: Ew. That place got shut down for health violations. That's disgusting.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: They've reopened. I don't think it's the same place.

BGWBALDN: Still. I would never.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Oh my god. You're so--they have an A now. There's an A in the window.

BGWBALDN: Oh. I guess maybe I'd try it. But I don't like the crab rangoon. It has like a weird flour film on it.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: I know! I know! So weird! That's why when I am REALLY craving crab rangoon--which by the way in New York they call it Fried Cheese Wontons--which is so weird...I order from Great Wall.

BGWBALDN:  I know, but they only take cash, which is annoying.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: No! No! They're on GrubHub now...

BGWBALDN: Wow, really? Life Changer.


BGWBALDN:  What's the third place?

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Well, if I'm not broke--


CGBWCAVAPOHI: HA! I know--but, if I'm not broke and I want the quality shit, I get Empire.

BGWBALDN:  Oooo. Fancy. I love their dumplings.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Me too, that's what I get.

Train announcement. "This is 168th Street Columbia Presbyterian. Transfer is available to the downtown A and C trains across the platform, and the 1 train through the passageway. Next stop. 175th."  CGBWCAVAPOHI and BGWBALDN get up.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Should we go to Starbucks?

BGWBALDN:  No, I'm in more of a Dunkin' Donuts place.

CGBWCAVAPOHI: Oh! Full circle!

BGWBALDN: You know it!

They exit the train.


I Have Always Felt Distracted

Packed 2 Train. Morning Rush Hour. Thirty-something Blonde Woman Who Doesn't QUITE Look Like She Works In Fashion, But Who Most Likely Majored In It, Possibly Doubling in "Communications" is monologing intently to Blue Tooth Laiden Finance Guy Who Is Pretty Hot Despite The Fact That He Is Sweating A Lot. I am listening to Michelle Branch--I mean, um Daft Punk?

T-SBWWDQLLSWIFBWMLMIIPDIC: So, it's weird because haven't felt filled--filled know, HIM, in so long. I just haven't felt his presence. And I've been really searching, too. But normally when I'm filled with his love, the love of his holy spirit, I just KNOW it. On some innate level. I just feel him, you know? And I've been very diligent in my practice. Don't think I haven't. No matter what Matt says, I have. (pause) And these days--these days, there's so much NOISE. Facebook. TV. Movies. Iphones. Sin. Just general distraction...I always have felt distracted...but even then, I've been able to feel him around me. So Pastor Alan always says eliminate the things that stand between you and God's love. So I've done that. (pause) I mean, I've done that within in, to an EXTENT. To the extent that it's possible to to what with the pressure at work and everything...But still, I don't feel close to him. Maybe I should meditate more, you know? Do you meditate?



BTLFGWIPHDTFTHISAL: I feel less stressed, I suppose.

T-SBWWDQLLSWIFBWMLMIIPDIC: Yeah! Me too! Yes! I love it! I love that and I love yoga. People think they are the same, but they aren't. I know they aren't. They are totally different. But--both are good. Both are really calming for me. I feel a lot know, INTENSE...afterwards. Quieter. It's nice. I like yoga. (pause) I think it's the breathing. (longer pause) But anyway, so I've been feeling really concerned about not feeling my connection with God in the way that brings me comfort--well, comfort is simplistic--it's not JUST a comfort thing. It's. I need to feel, like right with the world or's important to me to feel like there's something larger--

Train announcement. "This is 72nd street. Transfer is available to the 1 train across the platform. Next stop. 42nd Street Times Square."

BTLFGWIPHDTFTHISAL: (Gathering his leather soft briefcase thing) This is me.

T-SBWWDQLLSWIFBWMLMIIPDIC: Oh! Okay. Have a great day!

BTLFGWIPHDTFTHISAL: You too. Um...Nice to meet you.

T-SBWWDQLLSWIFBWMLMIIPDIC: Nice to meet you, too. Great chat!


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Dog Days of Summer

To read this post, you need to know that my roommate got a dog (a beagle/ chihuahua mix) and then gave it away to our friend because it was too much work. I still pine for this dog every day.

I'm on the elevator when my Cute Little Old Dominican Lady Neighbor Who Always Wears a Pink Sweater gets on.

Me: Good morning.
CLODLNWAWAPS: Where your cute little dog?
Me: Oh. Yes. We, um, we had to give him away.
CLODLNWAWAPS: No! No! He was so cute! So cute!
Me: I know, I know. We loved him...but...It just didn't work out.
CLODLNWAWAPS: Oh no! That cute little dog? Oh no!
Me: Yeah, it was sad.
CLODLNWAWAPS: Why you no keep that cute little dog? Little spots? Such a good boy! So cute.
Me: Yup. He...he was. Very cute.
CLODLNWAWAPS: So you give him up? Why? Why?
Me: Well, you know, lifestyle wise, it just wasn't a good fit for us...and, it wasn't nice for him.
(the elevator doors open, we walk out)
CLODLNWAWAPS: Well, same is true of my kids, but I kept them!
(CLODLNWAWAPS hysterically laughs)
Me: Ha. Um. Ha...
CLODLNWAWAPS: I didn't give them up!
Me: (Walking away) Well, have a nice day...
CLODLNWAWAPS:  (ignoring me, laughing to herself as she walks away) Maybe I should have...Maybe...I should...have...

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Short and Scary. But Mostly Scary.

Creepy guy on the 2 train: Do you like my gold tooth?
Me: Uh, yes. Very nice.
CGOT2T: I got it special for you.
Me: My. What foresight...
CGOT2T: Naw, none ah that, baby. I'm allllll trimmed.
Me: (moves to other end of the train.)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Creep No More

DOUCHEY LOOKING GUY WITH ROLEX IN A BUSINESS SUIT WHOSE NAME IS APPARENTLY ERIC is standing behind me in the Starbucks line by my office building. Moments later, OTHER DOUCHEY LOOKING GUY IN BLUE CHECKED SHIRT WITH A LARGER ROLEX steps in line and sees first douchey guy.

ODLGIBCSWALR: Holy shit thank god it's Friday.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: Right? It's too nice out to be dealing with office b.s., you know?
ODLGIBCSWALR: For sure. For. Sure.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: What are you up to this weekend?
ODLGIBCSWALR: Well, tonight Amy is making see some dance play or something.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: (laughing) What? Aw, dude, I'm sorry.
ODLGIBCSWALR: I know. I know--jesus.
ODLGIBCSWALR: It's at some hotel in Chelsea. Some big hotel. Like, they dance around it? And it's about MacBeth or something. (He pauses. Laughs.) I was watching the game when she was explaining it...
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: OH. WAIT. That's Sleep No More. I saw that. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.
ODLGIBCSWALR: What? What? Is it bad?
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: Dude. It's so weird and boring. Like, it's supposed to be scary but it's just like, an empty building.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: There IS a bar though. So you can get a drink. But I was pissed because when I went Jen wouldn't let me leave her, because she was scared.
ODLGIBCSWALR: I thought you said it wasn't scary.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: It's like, girl scary. Plus she likes art-y stuff.
ODLGIBCSWALR: Oh, it's like an art thing...that must be why she's taking me. I thought it was a haunted house.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: There is though--I forgot this, but I liked this--there IS a candy store and you can eat the candy. Like old fashioned weird candy in jars. I think it's on the 3rd floor?
ODLGIBCSWALR: There's more than one floor?
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: There's like 5. You have to wear a mask too.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: I know, it's weird. There are a couple of hot girls in it, but the thing is, you see them and then you can't find them again, plus they are wearing big dresses.
ODLGIBCSWALR: I do not want to see this.

(long pause.)

DLGWRIABSWNIAE: Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, it was kind of cool.
ODLGIBCSWALR: You said it was boring.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: Yeah, but I can't remember if I felt that way or if I said it to piss Jen off, haha!
ODLGIBCSWALR: Hahaha! (Pause.) I know what you mean. I really do.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Like Two Trains Passing in the Night

Shameless plug before you read on (there are not one but TWO encounters)!

If you have the means, take a moment to donate to my next show, going up at HERE Arts Center August 1. We've been working for almost a year on it, and we only need about $1000 more dollars! So we're very close. Even $5 or $10 brings us closer!

To donate today, click here.
1. Go to
2. Click "BUY" on the top left.
3. Select "Make a Payment"
4. Use the email address and follow the instructions!



1. OVERHEARD at the 14th St Subway station.

Stressed Out Older Mom in Sundress with Frizzy Hair pulls Little Girl in Duck Bathing Suit (around six or seven?) onto the L Train. Little Sister (around 4 or 5?) in Red Polka Dot Bikini and Jelly Shoes follows.

SOOMIWFH: You will NOT. Behave. Like. This. In. Public. I won't tolerate it. I won't tolerate a brat.
SOOMIWFH: I've tried reasoning with you. I've tried bribing you. I've tried punishing you. WHAT WILL IT TAKE?
SOOMIWFH: What's going to happen when you're older? You won't have any friends. No one is going to like this behavior.
SOOMIWFH: You're EMBARRASSING me. (Yanks the little girl next to her.)
LSIRPDBJS: Why's she crying mama?
SOOMIWFH: Because she's a brat.
LSIRPDBJS: I want ice cream.
SOOMIWFH: I want ice cream too, I want a whole lot of things, but I'm not getting them either.
LSIRPDBJS: That's sad.
SOOMIWFH: Yes. It is.



Sitting on the 1 train reading "In Touch" or "US Weekly" -- can't remember which. (DO NOT JUDGE ME OK? I LIKE TO KEEP UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS, ALRIGHT?) Suddenly, Normal Looking Middle Aged Black Man with Briefcase and Red Tie sits next to me.

NLMABMWBART: You shouldn't read that garbage.
(I smile. Shift away.)
Me: Ha. Yeah.
(Back to reading.)
NLMABMWBART: No, really.
Me: Ha, I know, I know. It's my vice!
NLMABMWBART: You're letting them get away with it.
Me: Uh...
NLMABMWBART: You're bringing Satan into your life and you don't even know it.
Me: Ah, well, I guess that's a risk I'm willing to take for Kristen Stewart. Haha...ha...
NLMABMWBART: It effects all of us.
Me: Oh,
NLMABMWBART: Don't apologize to me. Apologize to your children.
Me: Ah, well, I don't have any of those so I guess I'm in the clear.
NLMABMWBART: You aren't. None of us are.
(We approach 72nd street. DING DONG.)
NLMABMWBART (to a Business-y Looking Skinny Blonde Female Passenger entering the train car): Satan is in this car. Don't go in there.
BLSBFP: I'll take my chances.
(Door shuts.)
BLSBFP: Fucking lunatic.


Saturday, July 13, 2013

Back By Popular--and by that I mean 1 person's--Demand

After 3 hours on the phone with the federal help desk trying to re-register with the NEA...

Grant Agent: Are you Young Jean Lee?
Me: Well, no, but I'm the company authorizing official.
Grant Agent: So. You are not Young Jean Lee?
Me: No. But would this phone call go faster if I, do I need to be?
Grant Agent: Well...I mean, you aren't, so...
Me: No. I am. I am. I actually am.
Grant Agent: Miss, you just told me you weren't.
Me: I was wrong. I am. I am Young Jean Lee.
Grant Agent: Miss--
Me: I was lying before! I'm Young Jean Lee!
Grant Agent: I can't--
Grant Agent: Uh--
Grant Agent: Okay, Ms. Lee. Can I have your DUNS number?
Me: Yes, you may.
Grant Agent: Hold on a second while I pull up your file.
(long pause, sound of typing)
Me: The irony is, she probably wouldn't even know that.
Grant Agent: You mean, YOU wouldn't even know that.
Me: What? Oh. Right. Haha. Yes. I wouldn't.
Grant Agent: Wait...who is Caleb Hammons?
Me: used to be the POC...why?
Grant Agent: He's actually the authorizing official. I need to speak with him.
Me: Oh...I'm Caleb Hammons, that's me. That's my name.
Grant Agent: Oh really? You should have said that before.
Me: Ha! Oh silly me...oh...! Haha!
Grant Agent: Great, I'll just need your date of birth.
Me: Um...06/05/
Grant Agent: You aren't Caleb Hammons.
Me: I AM
Grant Agent: (sigh)
Grant Agent: Lady...