Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Dog Days of Summer

To read this post, you need to know that my roommate got a dog (a beagle/ chihuahua mix) and then gave it away to our friend because it was too much work. I still pine for this dog every day.

I'm on the elevator when my Cute Little Old Dominican Lady Neighbor Who Always Wears a Pink Sweater gets on.

Me: Good morning.
CLODLNWAWAPS: Where your cute little dog?
Me: Oh. Yes. We, um, we had to give him away.
CLODLNWAWAPS: No! No! He was so cute! So cute!
Me: I know, I know. We loved him...but...It just didn't work out.
CLODLNWAWAPS: Oh no! That cute little dog? Oh no!
Me: Yeah, it was sad.
CLODLNWAWAPS: Why you no keep that cute little dog? Little spots? Such a good boy! So cute.
Me: Yup. He...he was. Very cute.
CLODLNWAWAPS: So you give him up? Why? Why?
Me: Well, you know, lifestyle wise, it just wasn't a good fit for us...and, it wasn't nice for him.
(the elevator doors open, we walk out)
CLODLNWAWAPS: Well, same is true of my kids, but I kept them!
(CLODLNWAWAPS hysterically laughs)
Me: Ha. Um. Ha...
CLODLNWAWAPS: I didn't give them up!
Me: (Walking away) Well, have a nice day...
CLODLNWAWAPS:  (ignoring me, laughing to herself as she walks away) Maybe I should have...Maybe...I should...have...

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Short and Scary. But Mostly Scary.

Creepy guy on the 2 train: Do you like my gold tooth?
Me: Uh, yes. Very nice.
CGOT2T: I got it special for you.
Me: My. What foresight...
CGOT2T: Naw, none ah that, baby. I'm allllll trimmed.
Me: (moves to other end of the train.)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Creep No More

DOUCHEY LOOKING GUY WITH ROLEX IN A BUSINESS SUIT WHOSE NAME IS APPARENTLY ERIC is standing behind me in the Starbucks line by my office building. Moments later, OTHER DOUCHEY LOOKING GUY IN BLUE CHECKED SHIRT WITH A LARGER ROLEX steps in line and sees first douchey guy.

ODLGIBCSWALR: Holy shit thank god it's Friday.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: Right? It's too nice out to be dealing with office b.s., you know?
ODLGIBCSWALR: For sure. For. Sure.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: What are you up to this weekend?
ODLGIBCSWALR: Well, tonight Amy is making see some dance play or something.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: (laughing) What? Aw, dude, I'm sorry.
ODLGIBCSWALR: I know. I know--jesus.
ODLGIBCSWALR: It's at some hotel in Chelsea. Some big hotel. Like, they dance around it? And it's about MacBeth or something. (He pauses. Laughs.) I was watching the game when she was explaining it...
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: OH. WAIT. That's Sleep No More. I saw that. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.
ODLGIBCSWALR: What? What? Is it bad?
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: Dude. It's so weird and boring. Like, it's supposed to be scary but it's just like, an empty building.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: There IS a bar though. So you can get a drink. But I was pissed because when I went Jen wouldn't let me leave her, because she was scared.
ODLGIBCSWALR: I thought you said it wasn't scary.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: It's like, girl scary. Plus she likes art-y stuff.
ODLGIBCSWALR: Oh, it's like an art thing...that must be why she's taking me. I thought it was a haunted house.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: There is though--I forgot this, but I liked this--there IS a candy store and you can eat the candy. Like old fashioned weird candy in jars. I think it's on the 3rd floor?
ODLGIBCSWALR: There's more than one floor?
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: There's like 5. You have to wear a mask too.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: I know, it's weird. There are a couple of hot girls in it, but the thing is, you see them and then you can't find them again, plus they are wearing big dresses.
ODLGIBCSWALR: I do not want to see this.

(long pause.)

DLGWRIABSWNIAE: Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, it was kind of cool.
ODLGIBCSWALR: You said it was boring.
DLGWRIABSWNIAE: Yeah, but I can't remember if I felt that way or if I said it to piss Jen off, haha!
ODLGIBCSWALR: Hahaha! (Pause.) I know what you mean. I really do.